#LunchPun #wednesdaywit A professional football friend fell from a second floor balcony and was impaled on metal railings. He had a long road back to fitness and on his first day back..
Coach - is he up to it?
Me - I think he’s a bit rusty.

My mate has become a trade union leader.
He started as a convenor at a Post-it note
factory. Sure knew how to stick it to the man!
#joke #funny #jokes #LunchPun

What do you call an angry, antisocial Russian, living in Canada ?.
Yukon Alfukov. #LunchPun

I've just dropped my trousers in Machu Pichu. That's another one off my buttock list.

#LunchPun

Everyone seems to disapprove of gambling companies. But they're just working to make the world a better place.

#LunchPun

I think the girl that works down at the cinema carries a torch for me. #Lunchpun

I say 'go touch a hillside' if you feel the inclination.

#LunchPun

My eccentric aunt is launching a new range of sweet treats made from the seeds of the cacao tree and the excretion of pine trees

Chocolate Resins

#Lunchpun #HaveALaugh

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters I suffer from Blurtigo, the fear of shouting out personal secrets when I’m at the top of high-rise buildings.

'All roads lead to Rome,
but all buses run to Manchester!'
Andy Burnham
#joke #funny #jokes #LunchPun

I’ve invented a portable device for finding furniture in dark rooms.

The shinbone.

#LunchPun

I nodded off in Sotheby's and woke up covered in acupuncture needles.

They say you should pinpoint the sleeper in every auction.

#LunchPun #Jokes

I couldn't get a job as an editor despite having previous experience. Eventually, someone suggested I should change my CV, as employers might worry about my 'three years at a house of correction.'
#LunchPun

Television was actually invented by an Irish woman,
Cath O’Draytube. #LunchPun

Back in the nineties, many adults had a pager. Today's young people are forced to paginate everything themselves. No wonder they're so dissatisfied.

#LunchPun

*Parisian café

Me: I'll have an espresso with 5 sugars, right away.

Waiter: Tout de suite?

Me: I'll be the judge of that.

#Lunchpun

"When, in 1798, Napoleon threatened to invade,
Came forth a one-word rebuttal from General Wade."

A non.

#LunchPun

St Paul's Cathedral retaining me as their resident campanologist was a ringing endorsement.

#LunchPun