Men’s Restroom: You nudge the rusty aluminum door with your side, lest you touch it with bare hands and develop three different strains of malaria.

Avg response: 8.9 days 🫡 That’s what we call comically fast.

Universe Three: Ninety-Nine Percent. Stars hung at 99 percent lit, and every sandwich was missing its last bite.

If my assistant get an email that she thinks I need to read, I’ll tell her to print it out and read it to me in the voice of the person who wrote it.

Unless Marvin shows up, my Big-Ass Cookie is way bigger than any kid’s head, plus, you have to ask for it by name.

It glistened among the detritus, beckoning to me with its soft, seductive whisper: “Get Zero and Save Money on Interest.”

The Captain's whistle attracts hundreds of mountain goats. The gardeners spend the following week re-landscaping.

Obviously, the ingredients we use are fresh. To my knowledge, no other restaurant in the world promises fresh ingredients.

Seven bridesmaids plus the bride dine at a tea room. The waitress is only able to split the bill eight ways evenly. Who tells Lindsey she’s a bitch?

Sending a link to this in response to every candidate text I get between now and November 3. THAT WILL TEACH THEM

Partner with Captcha to replace photos of bicycles with photos of candidate’s face

Crossing my fingers this is what gets me in the door at Dunkin

Put it on the table. Let it sweat. Nothing you do here will matter.

Of course, it’s practically 100 degrees in here, but I’ll grab my jacket anyway, because it looks great in photos.

The only employee who has access to the form is Elizabeth. There are two Elizabeths at every branch. Do not ask the wrong Elizabeth for the form.

Drink scotch whiskey all night long And die behind the wheeeel