Just in time for the fourteenth consecutive Most Important Election of Our Lifetime™, @ginnyhogan.bsky.social and @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social’s Obey in Advance: How to Survive (and Thrive) Under Authoritarianism. Coming to you from McSweeney’s books this fall.

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To make Election Day a holiday is nothing more than a disgusting political ploy—unlike Columbus Day, which is a beautiful tribute to a brave explorer who discovered the New World despite indigenous bubble-dwelling naysayers who claimed that they had been living there for centuries.
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"Thank you for gathering here at what will be a state-of-the-art condo building: Muwekma Gardens. See what we did there? We took an Indigenous name and put 'Gardens' after it. It’s called whitewashing, and we in the real estate business are obsessed with it."
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"Thank you for gathering here at what will be a state-of-the-art condo building: Muwekma Gardens. See what we did there? We took an Indigenous name and put 'Gardens' after it. It’s called whitewashing, and we in the real estate business are obsessed with it."
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"We need to maintain an environment of fairness, collegiality, and blind deference to the state-appointed men and women who somehow have unlimited leverage over our professional lives."
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"Gather lots of makeup. However much makeup you think it will take to achieve the no-makeup look, it will take far more makeup than that."
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"I had to go to Johns Hopkins to get a PhD in bioengineering, only to find out later that the students 3-D printed a fake ID for the clone and dropped him off at Big Y supermarket to buy them beer and Zyn."
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- I will live out traditional family measles.

- I will liberate your family from Medicaid.

- I will bring down the inflation of life expectancy.
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"I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over, it’s gonna be like BLAMMO!"
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"I work for a company that makes beer taste like pine needles that have been soaking in a vat of apple cider vinegar for thirty years. Our logo is a Sasquatch wearing a trucker hat. I make $40,000 per year, but fortunately, Portland is super affordable, probably."
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"It seems obvious now that I shouldn’t have assigned the kids the role of guards."
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We haven’t run a satire of David Brooks in six years. Think it’s time for another. #McSweeneys

"The Data Lord has all the money, so now we just pay with blood instead. It’s even easier, if you think about it. No need to worry about 'savings' or 'inflation' or whatever it is your generation was so obsessed with. Now it’s all about platelet count."
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"Making friends as an adult can be challenging. Especially if, like me, you’re the celestial ruler of Tartarus, the abode of the damned."
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“Good news!” Robin announces, setting down a ceramic owl. “She must be worth something.”

“We're starving,” the villagers reply.

Robin nods sympathetically before handing an orphan three decorative soaps and a laminated loyalty card for a frozen yogurt chain that no longer exists.
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