🎩 What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

👔 Attempted to exercise this morning…

Didn't work out.

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

🍴 I asked the passenger next to me if they’d switch seats since I was flying with my family. They declined…

So now I'm sitting with my family

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

💵 What do British people consider a ton of money?

2,000 pounds

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

🐕 My lawyer quit to become a dog breeder…

turns out he prefers boxers over briefs

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

⚡ If I could could choose one superpower, it would be invisibility…

I just want to make myself clear

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

🔨 The CEO of IKEA has just been appointed as the Prime Minister of Sweden…

He's currently assembling his cabinet.

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

🎩 What do you call someone who tells Dad Jokes but isn't a dad?

A Faux Pa

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

🍴 My biggest mistake was challenging Death to a pillow fight…

I was NOT prepared for the reaper cushions

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

📅 I lost my job at the calendar factory for taking a day off.

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

🍵 I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop…

He's not perfect, but he knows the drill!

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

🍺 The other day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road and walked into a bar…

My whole life is a joke

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

🔗 Until they invented the other side of velcro, it never really caught on

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

📚 Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?

Because they spend years at C

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

😄 "LOWERCASE LETTERS ARE FOR THE LOWER CLASS" ~Capitalists

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

🎩 Did it bother anybody else that the guy from Operation was clearly wide awake?

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

⛄ I saw a snowman digging through a basket of carrots…

He was obviously picking his nose

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

🕐 Not wearing a wrist watch is a timeless form of fashion.

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny

📊 I walked to the paint store to get thinner…

It didn't work.

#humor #puns #jokes #momjokes #humour #dadjokes #groan #funny