Thanks for your 12-part scholarly reply to my joke about Hitler's dick

I'm annoyed at being irrationally angry at myself today when usually I'm fine with it.

i need a back scratcher, but it’s small enough to stick in my ear so i can scratch my brain

This probably isn’t the one, The New Yorker.

Swedish restaurant called The Swede Spot

me: we’re being reamed by neutrinos rn colleague: don’t say it like that

Typical Sunday. Read the Bible to my cat and spilled nachos on my sex cape

her: did you know makeup expires? me: *spits mine out* WHAT

Gemini: Your life is like a game of Monopoly. You don’t fully understand the rules and it seems like it will never end.

CHECK OUT TODAY'S SPECIAL EDITION OF SORROWSCOPES WHICH IS BASICALLY THE SAME AS THE OTHER ONES

"You guys know anything by Black Sabbath?" "You know we do!"

*a farmer who is a ghost from the time of the Dust Bowl watching SpongeBob* “That boy has rickets,” he’d say

it's called a wig maybe you've haired of it

*BLASTS YOUR SHIT AND RIDES AWAY ON MY AQUATIC HOVERBOARD*

billion dollar idea: a horse crossed with a wiener dog so more than one person can ride comfortably and also if you fall off it's not very far to the ground

It’s actually my 27th rodeo—I fucking love horses!

Moving from summer to fall is a significant shift. Time to put away my swimsuits and get back to mysteriously haunting a crumbling abandoned lighthouse

Airplane Intercom: This is your Cap'n speaking. Oops! All berries