First, the good news. The bathwater has been disposed of.

I may not be the most decisive of men, but then again maybe I am.

God needed an angel so he killed your grandmother

I was insane to give my child a haunted doll, 15% off or no 15% off.

Unconscionable to be on “X” at this point. Just a cesspit. Except for banking; I do my banking there & don’t see a problem.

Your alibi is very good. A little...TOO good. I was hoping you were the murderer.

It's a toe tapper! And my apologies.

Hey-oh!

Got stopped in the name of love earlier and now I've got that song stuck in my head.

He’s like the ChatGPT version of that Norman Rockwell painting

Film fact: the year after Friday the 13th came out, the popularity of the name "Jason" remained more or less steady.

I'm finished playing stupid games. I seem to recall some mention of stupid prizes..?

do you denounce the sultans of swing

i had an epiphany but i got some antibiotics and i’m feeling much better now

It’s a beautiful morning! Doesn’t mean I’m going out there

Vampire getting ready for a party by mixing all the blood types in a punch bowl

everyone at this dmv seems so depressed lucky for them i brought my harmonica

🙏

Broke up with Ellen on our walk through the corn maze. It's been an awkward 2 hours.

Just quit Fight Club and can’t wait to dish!