i got hypnotized to finish everything i start but it only worked on pints of ice cream

i basically talk like a valley girl but eight octaves lower

My cats are totally gay.

Me: Whaddya doing with the chart? Wife: Tracing the Huguenot ancestry in my family tree. Me: Huguenot be serious.

Boba Fett is short for Boba Tea Fettuccine

Does anyone truly believe these are two different guys?

We here at Clover Kiss respect cinema so much that we won't show anything less than the entire Transformers saga. But you have to come dressed as an Autobot.

an alien cover band called ripley and the face huggers

Whenever someone says they haven’t seen me “in a minute,” I worry that my short-term memory is gone.

every time a team loses a game they unfortunately euthanize the mascot

They should invent a constant that isn’t change

I’m in a throuple with ibuprofen and tylenol.

I'm running away to the forest. I'm going to be the next baba yaga

Do you disavow the Power of Grayskull

Nobody actually owns a "tractor." You own a group of parts that break & need replacing whenever you need to use your "tractor."

wisdom is stored in the tits and that’s why mine are so big

this tastes like spray cheese is a compliment in my friend group

If my car could talk it would probably just beg for an oil change.