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@sortanonymous.bsky.social Oct 8, 2026, 8:11 PM

SortaPicks: 2026 NFL Week 5 Picks/Predictions
#nflpicks #nflweek5 #week5 #sortasports #sortapicks #sortapicks3 #sortapicksiii

*Buccaneers-Cowboys (TNF): Cowboys
*Eagles-Jaguars (London): Jaguars
*Bengals-Dolphins: Bengals (If we Bungle it to a winless AFC East dump again though, you won't get a crashout this time. Sorry.)
*Vikings-Saints: Saints
*Giants-Commanders: Giants
*Bears-Packers: Bears
*Browns-Jets: Browns (Jets, if you prove me wrong, I won't say a bad word about you guys ever again. Or at least not for another week.)
*Raiders-Patriots: Patriots
*Texans-Titans: Texans
*Colts-Steelers: Colts
*Broncos-Chargers: Broncos
*Lions-Cardinals: Lions
*49ers-Seahawks: 49ers
*Ravens-Falcons (SNF): Ravens
*Bills-Rams (MNF ABC/ESPN): Rams

2026 NFL Picks so far (Weeks 1-4): 39/64, or 60.9% (18 points/11.5 games worse than 2025)
2025 NFL Week 5 Picks: 5/14, or 35.7% (Well at least I can't do that badly again, right?)
2025 NFL Picks ~ Weeks 1-5: 55.5/78, or 71.2%

@sortanonymous.bsky.social Oct 8, 2026, 8:07 PM

SortaPicks: 2026 NFL Week 4 Recap
#nfl #nflrecap #nflpicks #week4 #nflweek4 #sortasports #sortapicks #sortapicks3 #sortapicksiii

*Steelers-Browns (⛔): I don't know what to say that wouldn't be venting other than that I am begging for the football gods to bring both these two down to Earth before it's too late. (Also the Bengals are so getting swept by Cleveland because the football gods regret ever letting them happen.)
*Colts-Commanders (⛔): MariGOATa was a fun story last week, but Big Ben (not that one) clearly stuck midnight on him across the pond.
*Cardinals-Giants (✅): A very fun rendition of the "We Might Not Be Total Trash This Year" Bowl
*Patriots-Bills (⛔): Holy hell, I think Drake Maye have needed this win.
*Jets-Bears (✅): Great news, Jets! You finally got an interception for the first time since this series got its name, and you went 26 yards in four plays! The bad news is that you sill had to play the rest of the game.
*Cowboys-Texans (✅): Well, I guess it became more of "really good offense with trash defense vs. sometimes good offense with sometimes trash defense", but either way, Dallas is keeping pace in a division that really shouldn't be this hard to win. Meanwhile, Houston, you've definitely got a problem.
*Rams-Eagles (✅): The Rams might have saved their superteam season. And meanwhile if the Eagles were in a real division, I'd be calling for legislation to ban them from playoff conversation because HOLY SHIT, THEY LOOK HILARIOUS.
*Packers-Buccaneers (✅): Green Bay won the Implosion Bowl (at least the first one with how many teams look in danger of being as washed as the ocean this year), but is that really something to be proud of?
*Titans-Ravens (✅): Least memorable pyrrhic victory ever.
*Jaguars-Bengals (✅): When I picked against us, I expected us to just get outmatched by a contender. I didn't think they'd kill us all while we still somehow had them shook just to blow the ending, but I guess things can just never be that simple.

*Dolphins-Vikings (✅): The Vikings are literally taking football back over 100 years and we're all just along for the ride.
*Chiefs-Raiders (✅): Looked doofy enough to me. Sorry, Raiders.
*Chargers-Seahawks (✅): Jim's attempt at revenge for 2013 just leaves him wishing he could go back to Ann Arbor all the more. (Honestly, I'm not sure he could make that place any more of a circus than it is right now even if he tried.)
*Broncos-49ers (✅): I still can't tell if the 49ers are that elite even in hobbled form or if the Broncos really are just that fraudulent.
*Lions-Panthers (⛔): The Motor City Kitties are defending like kitty litter. Meanwhile, the Queen City Felines (at least the other ones) might actually be onto something, especially with Bryce Young seemingly forgetting that he isn't still in Atlanta.
*Falcons-Saints (⛔): For all of the celebration for Domecoming's 20th anniversary (including Steve Gleason being a fun enough interview to make me feel lucky for tuning into Manningcast for once), it was the Robinsons giving the Saints an "Ambush" of their own.

2026 NFL Week 4 Picks: 11/16, or 68.8% (3.1 points/0.5 games worse than 2025; look, cut me some slack for not having the guts to pick a tie)
2026 NFL Picks so far (Weeks 1-4): 39/64, or 60.9% (18 points/11.5 games worse than 2025)

@sortanonymous.bsky.social Oct 1, 2026, 11:33 PM

SortaPicks III: 2026 NFL Week 4 Picks
#nflpicks #week4 #nflweek4 #sortasports #sortapicks #sortapicks3 #sortapicksiii

Picks:

*Steelers-Browns (TNF): Steelers (It truly is a cold day in Hell when I have to root for Pittsburgh by default.)
*Colts-Commanders (London): Colts
*Cardinals-Giants: Giants
*Patriots-Bills: Bills
*Jets-Bears: Bears
*Cowboys-Texans: Cowboys (Considering that this is decent offense with trash defense vs. decent defense with trash offense though, it could certainly be an interesting mess.)
*Rams-Eagles: Rams
*Packers-Buccaneers: Packers? (IMPLOSION BOWL 2026 WOOOO)
*Titans-Ravens: Ravens
*Jaguars-Bengals: Jaguars
*Dolphins-Vikings: Vikings
*Chiefs-Raiders: Chiefs (Only in the doofiest way possible)
*Chargers-Seahawks: Seahawks
*Broncos-49ers: 49ers
*Lions-Panthers (SNF): Lions
*Falcons-Saints (MNF ESPN): Saints

2026 NFL Picks so far (Weeks 1-3): 28/48, or 58.3%
2025 NFL Week 4 Picks: 11.5/16, or 71.9%
2025 NFL Picks - Weeks 1-4: 50.5/64, or 78.9%

@sortanonymous.bsky.social Oct 1, 2026, 11:12 PM

SortaPicks III: 2026 NFL Week 3 Recap
#nflpicks #nflrecap #week3 #nflweek3 #sortasports #sortapicks #sortapicks3 #sortapicksiii

Recap:

*Falcons-Packers (⛔): I know this might sound weird to say when I at least thought they'd do the bare minimum to beat the damn Falcons, but as for how I feel about the grand scheme of things in Green Bay… ["VINDICATED" by Dashboard Confessional from Spider-Man 2]
*Panthers-Browns (⛔): You failed America, Panthers.
*Chargers-Bills (✅): Well… at least it was less embarrassing than the first two games of your spiral season, Bolts?
*Jets-Lions (✅): I still can't tell whether or not the Jets are at least watchable now, and also whether or not Detroit is totally screwed the moment they face more teams more than like 65% done with a rebuild. (I mean, as any potential Aussie readers and especially reeling Freo fans would know, at least it wasn't the worst loss in a game called football to a team called the Lions this past weekend. 😬)
*Seahawks-Commanders (⛔): Just when people in the state of Washington thought Marcus Mariota was done giving them headaches years ago.
*Chiefs-Dolphins (✅): The most impressive Fins showing of September 2026!
*Titans-Giants (✅): Hard to think of a more merciful matchup to get after everyone dies than the Titans, even if they still nearly blew it at the end.
*Patriots-Jaguars (✅): I can't tell if I'm also vindicated on Jacksonville being great or very not vindicated on New England being in trouble.
*Texans-Colts (✅): I'm absolutely not vindicated by Houston, good grief.
*Bengals-Steelers (✅): Anyone shocked by this doesn't know how excellent we are at Bungling in Yinzerland no matter how competent at football we look against others.

*Cardinals-49ers (✅): CARDINALS HAD EM SHOOK THO
*Vikings-Buccaneers (✅): That 4th down snap of Mayfield running for his life, coughing up a pick, and all the while getting his thumb wrecked might be the new signature clip of implosion seasons at this rate.
*Ravens-Cowboys (⛔): Iffy refball aside, the exact type of international game the league has spent the last two decades dreaming of delivering. (Easy for me to be annoyed at the Cowboys for blowing a game to my rival, but honestly, I just felt happy for Tyler Loop's redemption more than anything.)
*Raiders-Saints (⛔): A very entertaining clash between two of the season's most fun early surprises. Definitely feels weird seeing New Orleans be two wins worse than Vegas though.
*Rams-Broncos (⛔): Yep, it's official. The Broncos are straight-up just the Diet Chiefs, fluke bs and sketchy reffing and all. Save us, Raiders.
*Eagles-Bears (⛔): First off, funny seeing Case Keenum have his finest hour since the Minneapolis Miracle be in a Bears jersey of all things, especially as revenge against the team that whooped him in that year's NFC title game. And speaking of that team, LMAO I DID HAVE EVERY REASON TO DOUBT YOU SIRIANNI XD

2026 NFL Week 3 Picks: 9/16, or 56.3% (2 games/12.5 points worse than 2025)2026 NFL Picks so far (Weeks 1-3): 28/48, or 58.3% (9 games/18.8 points worse than 2025)

@sortanonymous.bsky.social Sep 25, 2026, 1:02 AM

SortaPicks III: 2026 NFL Week 3 Picks
#nflpicks #week3 #nflweek3 #sortapicks #sortasports #sortapicksiii #sortapicks3

Picks:

*Falcons-Packers (TNF): Packers (Okay, I'm like 40 minutes late, but I literally won't have even peeked at the score yet until I've already posted it.)
*Panthers-Browns: Panthers
*Chargers-Bills: Bills
*Jets-Lions: Lions
*Seahawks-Commanders: Seahawks
*Chiefs-Dolphins: Chiefs
*Titans-Giants: Giants
*Patriots-Jaguars: Jaguars
*Texans-Colts: Colts
*Bengals-Steelers: Steelers (My mind says Bengals so much, but I don't know if I'm raising my hopes too high just yet.)
*Cardinals-49ers: 49ers
*Vikings-Buccaneers: Vikings
*Ravens-Cowboys (Rio): Cowboys
*Raiders-Saints: Saints
*Rams-Broncos (SNF): Rams
*Eagles-Bears (MNF ABC/ESPN): Eagles (though only in the most frustrating way possible for everyone involved)

2026 NFL Picks so far (Weeks 1-2): 19/32, or 59.4%
2025 NFL Week 3 Picks: 11/16, or 68.8%
2025 NFL Picks - Weeks 1-3: 37/48, or 77.1%

@sortanonymous.bsky.social Sep 24, 2026, 1:04 AM

SortaPicks III: 2026 NFL Week 2 Recap
#nfl #nflpicks #nflrecap #nflweek2 #week2 #sortapicks #sortasports #sortapicksiii #sortapicks3

Recap:
No more quotes because I can already tell that would be a nightmare to keep up every week 😭
*Lions-Bills (✅): The first clump of Bills Mafia to ever take in a game at New Highmark got to see a lot of touchdowns thanks to these two increasingly concerning secondaries, although at least Josh Allen did a good job distracting from Buffalo's concerns on that end.
*Eagles-Titans (✅): It's official. The Eagles are the new Steelers of the NFC, at least in terms of getting wins off splash plays in spite of themselves.
*Vikings-Bears (⛔): As brutal a Week 2 loss as I can remember on every conceivable level. The start to one of the worst weeks for QB injuries in recent memory.
*Panthers-Falcons (✅): Even prime Matty Ice would have had a tough time pulling a game like this out with Bryce Young randomly owning the Falcons like Aaron Rodgers owning the Bears. But the dire duo of Cooper Rush and Jack Strand? Yeah, no shot.
*Packers-Jets (✅): The Jets were so, so close to exposing the Packers even more in the Ex-Rodgers Bowl. But, you know, Aaron Glenn, so that just couldn't pan out.
*Steelers-Patriots (✅): I'll give the Jets this though. At least Rodgers' other Celtics Shaq team ain't looking much better.
*Saints-Ravens (⛔): Truly a crossover for the ages between the sophomore surge of The Shough Show and the potential surprise renewal of That's So Raven.
*Bengals-Texans (⛔): Our defense can legit dominate? All while Chase makes some of the most jaw-dropping plays of the year? We're 2-0 and didn't look drunk off our asses doing so? Is this what hope feels like in terms of just being a good football team again instead of either a decade in limbo or a ugly rebuild waiting to happen? (Me be like Pearl: "Amethyst [or my Bengal fan friend], turn into a chair. I need to sit down.")

*Browns-Buccaneers (⛔): Imagine sitting through a weather delay longer than the average video essay just to see your already floundering team blow the finish and let Deshaun Washedson have a game-winning touchdown pass to his name in 2026. At that point, I wouldn't blame them for having buyer's remorse on their season tickets.
*Jaguars-Broncos (⛔): Jacksonville's first golden opportunity to position themselves as the class of the AFC slipped right through their fingers the moment Bo Nix's rubberband AI kicked in. By no means am I sounding any alarms on them, but this should be a lesson for the Jags.
*Raiders-Chargers (⛔): Either the Raiders are secretly good or the Chargers are having the exact type of nightmare implosion I picked damn near every Wild Card loser besides them to have entering the season.
*Commanders-Cowboys (✅): An already dire Washington showing turned much worse by yet another demoralizing QB injury.
*Seahawks-Cardinals (✅): Arizona tried their best for a half to keep the dream start alive, but even a Darnold-less Seahawks title defense team is a much different beast than a spiraling Chargers team.
*Dolphins-49ers (✅): Turns out even this hobbled pack of Niners didn't need much to scoot past these sinking Dolphins.

*Colts-Chiefs (✅): The Colts were on the brink of reversing the Chiefs' golden horseshoe, right down to doing the unthinkable and being on the good end of a potentially game-ending highly-discussed call. But then Shane Steichen, apparently deciding his seat just wasn't hot enough, botched that entire set of downs and then settled for a tie that, considering how the QB on the other side of the ball has put together clutch drives in his sleep with a quarter of the time, didn't have a chance in Hell at holding up. A call that, given the circumstances, was both embarrassingly cowardly and bafflingly reckless at the same time. Brilliant.
*Giants-Rams (✅): New York took a Dart to the heart almost immediately and never recovered, especially with Davante Adams abruptly choosing to turn back the clock to 2020.

2026 NFL Week 2 Picks: 10/16, or 62.5% (3 games/18.8 points worse than 2025)2026 NFL Picks so far (Weeks 1-2): 19/32, or 59.4% (5 games/15.6 points worse than 2025)

@sortanonymous.bsky.social Sep 18, 2026, 12:23 AM

SortaPicks III: 2026 NFL Week 2 Picks
#nflpicks #nflweek1 #week1 #sortapicks #sortapicksiii #sortapicks3 #sortasports

Picks:

*Lions-Bills (TNF): Bills
*Eagles-Titans: Eagles
*Vikings-Bears: Bears
*Panthers-Falcons: Panthers
*Packers-Jets: Packers
*Steelers-Patriots: Patriots
*Saints-Texans: Ravens
*Bengals-Texans: Texans (We should at least play 'em tough though. Big chance to make a statement.)
*Browns-Buccaneers: Buccaneers
*Jaguars-Broncos: Jaguars
*Raiders-Chargers: Chargers (I think?)
*Commanders-Cowboys: Cowboys
*Seahawks-Cardinals: Seahawks
*Dolphins-49ers: 49ers
*Colts-Chiefs (SNF): Chiefs
*Giants-Rams (MNF ABC/ESPN): Rams

2026 NFL Picks so far (Week 1): 9/16, or 56.3%
2025 Week 2 Picks: 13/16, or 81.3%

@sortanonymous.bsky.social Sep 15, 2026, 7:43 PM

SortaPicks III: 2026 NFL Week 1 Recap (trying out humorously relevant quotes for each intro and just slapped on the first super old quote about bad defense I could find lol)
#nflpicks #sortapicksiii #sortapicks #sortasports #nflrecap #week1 #nflweek1

Recap:
"The worst thing that can happen to a good cause is, not to be skillfully attacked, but to be ineptly defended." - Frédéric Bastiat, 1850(?)

*Patriots-Seahawks (✅): Drake Maye not know how to handle the Seahawks defense, especially when Drew Locks in (or at least doesn't fuck it up while McDarnold's is suspended due to health concerns).
*49ers-Rams (⛔): Guess this wrong pick's on me for expecting a super-acclaimed Super Bowl-winning head coach to understand how jetlag works. Apparently, that's just too much to ask for.
*Bears-Panthers (⛔): What looked like an epic shootout for one half became Caleb Williams and company flexing their might on a faulty Panthers defense in the second half.
*Buccaneers-Bengals (✅): Don't know whether to feel reluctant hope for Cincy or far more likely alarm bells for Tampa. Either way, certainly glad to just have a not ugly Week 1 win for once.
*Saints-Lions (✅): The Dan Campbell Goodtime Hour really was just one 2-point disconnect away from blowing its ratings lead to The Shough Show.
*Bills-Texans (⛔): There may be serious questions to ask about both defenses after this, but at least we got to see some slinging
*Ravens-Colts (✅): Indiana Jones and the Lost Defense
*Browns-Jaguars (✅): After how the late 2010s went, I'm sure Duval is just as glad to pummel Watson into the dirt now as they would have back then, just not for the reasons they would have expected.
*Falcons-Steelers (✅): Leftover Steeler devil magic + Falcons Falconing their QB situation = A game I'm glad I didn't get to watch (I was out doing shit Sunday afternoon, so I barely saw any of the 1 pm slate live and am just winging it lol)
*Jets-Titans (⛔): I knew Tennessee would still be raw even with a not-atrocious head coach at the helm, but not "getting trashed by Aaron Glenn and Geno Smith's Jets" raw. Woof.

*Cardinals-Chargers (⛔): Isn't Other L.A. supposed to wait until at least December to Charger away any hope? Anyway, at least one of the LaFleur's doesn't look like a joke right now.
*Dolphins-Vikings (✅): Looks like Cousins is having one more nice moment in the bag-securing Sun before Mendoza assumes control of the ship.
*Packers-Vikings (✅): Gotta be the most embarrassing Packers game since the last time Matt LaFireable blew a multi-score lead to a rival that won't let them hear the end of it all year. (Also holy fuck, I hope Kyler's okay. One of the scariest hits I've seen in a while.)
*Commanders-Eagles (✅): Yay, you barely beat a mediocre rival off one of the most laughably dumb 2-point conversion calls in a hot minute. I'm just so not-sarcastically convinced in your stability, Philly.
*Cowboys-Giants (⛔): You know the Dallas D is in rough shape when they're letting John Harbaugh give the G-Men hope.
*Broncos-Chiefs (⛔): Perhaps it's time to revive that running gag from Season 1 of Bo Nix throwing like Bo Peep throwing with her broken arm? Because good god, was that rough. Guess you can't keep a good hated dynasty down for long.

2026 Week 1 Picks: 9/16, or 56.3% (2 games, or 12.5 points, worse than 2025 Week 1)