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@kcookandcatsco.bsky.socialSep 20, 2026, 5:06 PM

WOOF!

reelrank.net/r/0002ji

#FilmSky 📽️ #Poolman2023 🧵

@kcookandcatsco.bsky.socialSep 20, 2026, 4:54 PM

If I were in charge of Hollywood, Chris Pine would never again write or direct anything he wasn't personally financing. #Poolman2023 should have been catastrophic and career-ending for everyone who got it greenlit.

#FilmSky 📽️

@kcookandcatsco.bsky.socialSep 20, 2026, 4:49 PM

Lololololol omfgggg

This is the most-embarrassing, least-mature creative work I've ever evaluated in my life, and I used to TA freshman creative writing seminars at UH.

Yeah, give 'em one straight down the barrel, Chris. Why not? It's your dreadful movie, might as well 😂

#FilmSky 📽️ #Poolman2023 🧵

Ack! Why's he looking at me?
@kcookandcatsco.bsky.socialSep 20, 2026, 4:41 PM

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOO!

Goddamn, I hate this fucking movie 🤣

BOOOOOOOOOOO!

Has Chris Pine ever seen a movie before?? What the FUCK was this?!

#FilmSky 📽️ #Poolman2023 🧵

"And DB?" Dumb."You may be a pool man,""But you're also one hell of a detective." He fucking isn't, lol. We just saw him be a bad one, and he got saved at the last second by something he didn't plan and had no control over, the definition of a Deus ex machina. Has Chris Pine ever seen a movie before? Like, what the fuck is this??
@kcookandcatsco.bsky.socialSep 20, 2026, 4:19 PM

Whew. Stephen Tobolowsky did his level best, but here his character perishes (I suppose), and Jesus, but was it sad to see him try to bring something to this.

What a bummer of a movie this is. Don't ever watch it for any reason. Good God.

#FilmSky 📽️ #Poolman2023 🧵

Bless his heart. He was a grown-up in the room and tried to bring some gravitas and substance to this, but to absolutely no avail. Jesus.
@kcookandcatsco.bsky.socialSep 20, 2026, 4:13 PM

This might be the most charmless movie I've ever seen...

I'm going to finish it, bc I'm a professional, but Jesus Christ, there's nothing going on in this film, there's nobody to care about or root for. Nothing I want in a movie is present here. Not one thing.

#FilmSky 📽️ #Poolman2023 🧵

Well, semi-professional, anyway.
@kcookandcatsco.bsky.socialSep 20, 2026, 2:37 AM

Oh, gracious.

I wonder what @1mirandaallen.bsky.social would think of this #GoldenGirls drag show.

I bet she can name the episode they're drawing from. The quote is something about Kent Ferguson canceling as MC for an event they sold no tickets for...

#FilmSky 📽️ #MovieSky 🎞️ #Poolman2023 🧵

What... is... any of this?Like, why is this happening? It's kind of a riff on some noir films, but it's not really lampooning them, either. It's like a watered-down, but also-unfunny parody/satire version of a noir film? It's BAD, y'all.Not Tobolowsky's fault, though it's wild he's playing a character named Stephen Toronkwski. That's... probably a joke? Not a funny one, obviously, but I think that's what passes for humor in this dreadful film.
@kcookandcatsco.bsky.socialSep 20, 2026, 2:25 AM

Hey! Look who it is! It's Ray Wise from Twin Peaks (and other things) 🤩

#FilmSky 📽️ #Poolman2023 🧵

Every time a new star shows up, I'm briefly, like, 'Oh, yeah!' before it just becomes sad that they're in this horrible movie 😔

Mr Ray Wise, and also, nfn, that's Clancy Brown on the left, a classic 'that guy' character actor you probably remember from The Shawshank Redemption.Leland Palmer, himself.
@kcookandcatsco.bsky.socialSep 20, 2026, 2:15 AM

I'm not making this shit up. This movie is really like this. It's the most annoying film I think I've ever seen.

#FilmSky 📽️ #Poolman2023 🧵

Booooooo (it's a lizard, talking to Darren, in a deep voice) "Hello, Darren." It sounds like Chef from South Park. "Hello, children!"
@kcookandcatsco.bsky.socialSep 20, 2026, 2:10 AM

Oof. I just... just oof. Goddamn. This is brutal.

Chris Pine is trying SO GODDAMNED HARD, and it is as cringey and annoying as anything I've ever seen in my life. At least Corky Romano (another movie that really annoys me) had jokes in it.

JESUS! 🤦‍♀️

#FilmSky 📽️ #Poolman2023 🧵

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooof! Tough watch.
@kcookandcatsco.bsky.socialSep 20, 2026, 2:04 AM

This is literally THE hardest I've ever seen anyone work to get NO laughs, and I've seen Carrot Top perform 😳

#FilmSky 📽️ #Poolman2023 🧵 #comedy

He's leaping and screaming and shouting, and he has a billion different little actor affectations, trying to conjure up some character or sense of identity in this role, but buddy, it's not on the page. You can't sweat yourself to big laughs here, dude, and it's PAINFUL to watch you try.
@kcookandcatsco.bsky.socialSep 20, 2026, 2:00 AM

Boy, I'm really coming to hate this place and these people. I hope the mob kills them all soon or something. Jesus.

#FilmSky 📽️ #Poolman2023 🧵

Ugh. Ugggggh.
@kcookandcatsco.bsky.socialSep 20, 2026, 1:59 AM

Man, every scene is some new, weird, dumb shit 😆

Characters keep doing stuff apropos of absolutely nothing. Like Annette Bening (love her) here, who just starts monologuing to camera.

WHAT?!

I hate this movie 😆

#FilmSky 📽️ #Poolman2023 🧵

What is this?! What on earf?!
@kcookandcatsco.bsky.socialSep 20, 2026, 1:50 AM

I think Chris Pine thinks this is funny...

Also, the goddamned aspect-ratio keeps changing. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. What could POSSIBLY be the rationale for that?! 😵‍💫

#FilmSky 📽️ #Poolman2023

There are NO JOKES in this movie. There is not ONE JOKE. I think the Wes Anderson comparison was apt, bc this is, like, a precious, wry bullshit movie in the spirit of Wes Anderson's worst films.I mean, I love Danny DeVito as much as the next gal, but he's not helping this movie out any. Yeesh.
@kcookandcatsco.bsky.socialSep 20, 2026, 1:46 AM

If you told me that #Poolman2023 was a wholly-ironic ploy that just went too far, I'd believe you.

"Can you believe they're letting me make this?"

I can't, actually! It's probably bc you're already famous, Chris!

#FilmSky 📽️

It keeps doing this weird meditation/dream-sequence thing, and I wouldn't have believed this was even possible, but it somehow gets more off-putting every time.
@kcookandcatsco.bsky.socialSep 20, 2026, 1:35 AM

Omg, this movie thinks it's a #comedy 🤯

Has there been a joke? I haven't heard one.

There are a bunch of odd characters speaking weirdly to each other, but nothing's funny and nothing even seems to be attempting to be. It's like... wry, kind of?

This is dreadful 😆

#FilmSky 📽️ #Poolman2023 🧵

Poolman is a 2023 American comedy... I'm gonna stop you right there. It isn't, lol.It's not all bad! There are occasionally good shots. I get the sense that Pine knows what he's doing from a technical standpoint, but, boy, is this fucking story nothing and not worth telling. He should have just shot a sizzle reel. This made less than 200K at the box-office. His sizzle reel would have made him more on YouTube.