#MorningGrump
Remember ladies: The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

#MorningGrump
It’s scary when, in the morning, you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

#MorningGrump
My daughter told me she wanted to walk down the aisle, so I gave her my grocery list.

#MorningGrump
How long do you keep a pair of jeans hoping you’ll be able to fit in them again one day? Is 20 years about right?

#MorningGrump
Having kids makes you realize how dumb your lies used to sound to your parents.

#MorningGrump
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.

#MorningGrump
When I was young, there was no internet. People had to walk miles to insult me.

#MorningGrump
Empty cop cars are just scarecrows for people.

#MorningGrump
If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. If you’re right and you shut up, you’re married.

#MorningGrump
It says 500g on that box of chocolates. Why did I gain 2 lbs?

#MorningGrump
If the world is burning with anger, be the one who brings water, not gasoline.

#MorningGrump
The older I get, the more I desperately cling to my immaturity.

#MorningGrump
I wonder how long I would be on hold if my call wasn't important to them.

#MorningGrump
My goal used to be like Tarzan and speak to monkeys and snakes. I’ve reached that goal when they invented social media. I’m now blocking them.

#MorningGrump
I’m an adult the same way a tomato is a fruit.

#MorningGrump
The issue with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

#MorningGrump
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.

#MorningGrump
My wife found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating. There was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON.

#MorningGrump
Beware ladies... Fat guys just want to get inside your pantries!

#MorningGrump
There’s something very wrong with you if you get pleasure from humiliating, embarrassing and belittling other people.