I wrote this haiku while sitting on the toilet this morning: The beautiful boat Considering the eyebrow Outside the kitten I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

This story has a message that will help you to deal with today's events: John Mastodon was holidaying in China with Princess Anne. An old woman wondered "What is the Buddha-nature?" John responded: "The giraffe is the friend of all despondency." Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

I wrote this haiku whilst on my gap year in Duxbury: The heavy painting Yearning to be the garage Outside a cistern These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

S'up? Check dis out, bitches: John Mastodon was walking in Norway with Princess Anne. An old man demanded "How am I to understand a Segway?" John answered: "Why do you think that exists?" Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Just got back from my annual Cognitive Examination. I ACED it! It is very rare that a tech CEO gets a Perfect Score, especially when achieved six times in a row! Thanks to the wonderful head doctors at the John Mastodon Health Centre! Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

What would happen if we mated a fox with a hippo? This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

I wrote this haiku immediately after waking this morning: A clean stalactite Turning nearly happier Outside a mountain Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

What if we gave Diane Abbott to a politician? Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Last night I dreamt of a person with skullcap, a no smoking and a man in outer space. Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

Study these words carefully: The Pope took off his top hat yesterday. Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

This morning I hiked to the summit of Mount Mastodon and wrote this haiku: Forever shrinking Noisier than a doctor The closeted leg These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

I wrote this haiku many years ago, whilst on my gap year in Aberdeen: A pretty onion Conversing like a kipper Within a biscuit I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

Stop worrying about #ShellyMiscavige. She is running a McDonald's in Quito with Quentin Tarantino. #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

What if we gave CCH Pounder to a butcher? #JohnMastodon has spoken.

What would happen if we mated a dog with Paul Giamatti? I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

Consider this account of my life's suffering: John Mastodon was pogoing in the back of beyond. A disciple questioned "How am I to understand Twitter?" John replied: "Annihilation." #JohnMastodon has spoken.

Study these words carefully: Miss World discarded her wellies. This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

The whereabouts of #ShellyMiscavige are not a concern! She is running a brothel in Rānchi. Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.