I wrote this haiku after speaking to my emotional support wren: The metal armchair Ruminating on the king Forever shrinking Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Stop worrying about #ShellyMiscavige! She is running a McDonald's in Danville. These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

I wrote this haiku after meditating in my Zen garden: The ascending monk Turning always cosier Within the mountain This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

You can stop worrying about #ShellyMiscavige! She is working in a train station in Paramaribo with Dame Janet Baker. I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

Last night I dreamt of a middle finger and an ox in outer space. Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Consider this story from my life: John Mastodon was relaxing in a schoolyard with Betty Gilpin. A young girl asked "How am I to understand a duck-billed platypus?" John replied: "Jeez, take a chill pill, man!" Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

What if we were to use an alligator as a toad? Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Consider this account of my life's suffering: John Mastodon was meditating in the Antarctic with Mrs. Margaret Thatcher. A young girl mused "How am I to comprehend a cat?" John whispered: "It is me, John Mastodon." Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

Just returned from my daily Physical Examination. I scored top marks! I am the fittest tech CEO the world has ever known! Thanks to the wonderful doctors at the John Mastodon Health Centre! Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

Last night I dreamt of a carpentry saw, an oncoming police car and a person running in outer space. #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

Last night I dreamt of a person pouting and a person mountain biking in front of the Double-R Diner. I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

I wrote this haiku while dropping the kids off at the pool this morning: Outside the fir tree Noisier than a promise An actuary #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

Consider this account of my life's suffering: John Mastodon was residing in Denmark with Miss World. An old man demanded "How am I to understand a car?" John responded: "Bibble." Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

Last night I dreamt of a Belize and a white exclamation mark in outer space. I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

I wrote this haiku after some physical exertion last night: A small, dark doctor Meditating on the thief Outside a biscuit Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

What if we gave an anteater to a beggar? Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

What would happen if we mated the ghost of J.T. Walsh with a ferret? These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

I wrote this haiku after meditating in my Zen garden: Inside a fir tree Quieter than a conman The brown, slow turnip This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

I wrote this haiku last year, whilst holidaying in Japan: A perverted toad Becoming slowly brighter Forever shouting I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.