I wrote this haiku whilst on my gap year in Nanjing: The poor, thin brother Preying on a plastic cheek Inside the suitor Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

This story might help you in your journey through life: John Mastodon was dining in the back of beyond with Princess Anne. A young girl inquired "What is the nature of Buddha?" John responded: "What is the nature of yourself?" Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

I wrote this haiku whilst on my gap year in the Arctic: The thick, round podcast Getting rather cosier Within a duchess This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

What if we used Wallace Shawn as a wish? This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

I wrote this haiku just a moment ago: A weary oak tree Getting slowly stupider Twisting like a priest Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

I wrote this haiku after some physical exertion last night: A dominatrix Shouting like a lazy horse Next to a pigeon Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

I wrote this haiku many years ago, whilst on my gap year in the Middle East: The empty laptop Growing clearly stupider Inside a singer Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

What if we gave a wine bottle to an arm? Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

This morning I hiked to the summit of Mount Mastodon and wrote this haiku: Outside the painting Singing like a rich table A cold, poor pilot I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

Study these words carefully: The amiable author of this program came to blows with the halfwitted policewoman in the public library. Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

I wrote this haiku whilst coding the latest Mastodon update: Outside the story Yearning to be the sister A beautiful lamp I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

Last night I dreamt of a necktie, a mate and a genie in outer space. #JohnMastodon has spoken.

I wrote this haiku while dropping the kids off at the pool this morning: An escalator Growing forever calmer Outside a crab trap These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

What would happen if we mated a fox with a stick insect? Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

Last night I dreamt of a pinched fingers, a newspaper and a cigarette in a forest. This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

I wrote this haiku after speaking to my emotional support wren: The metal armchair Ruminating on the king Forever shrinking Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Stop worrying about #ShellyMiscavige! She is running a McDonald's in Danville. These are the words of #JohnMastodon.