Study these words carefully: The burly barmaid met the clever dowager. Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

This story contains a message for you all: John Mastodon was tripping out in the Antarctic. An old woman inquired "What is the Buddha-nature?" John responded: "Kaawaadaa, nooyaagee!" Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

I wrote this haiku after speaking to my emotional support quokka: Next to the tailor Growing slowly cosier A warm anecdote Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

I wrote this haiku while dropping the kids off at the pool this morning: A rising oak tree Becoming slowly stiller Outside a pony This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

Why do we not just use Stanley Tucci as a soothsayer? I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

I wrote this haiku immediately after waking this morning: The sharp, wise racehorse Cosier than the pupil Within the beetroot #JohnMastodon has spoken.

S'up? Check dis out, bitches: John Mastodon was wandering in the jungle. An old man inquired "How am I to understand Mastodon?" John answered: "Ask me next week." Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

What if we were to give the city of Sanming to a table? I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

What if we were to give the city of Ruston to a dominatrix? Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

I wrote this haiku after speaking to my spirit guide: Crying like a nose Turning slightly noisier A studious cup Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

Please consider these lines from my diary: John Mastodon was dining in Nigeria with Prince Charles. A disciple mused "How am I to comprehend Mastodon?" John whispered: "Why are you here?" I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

I wrote this haiku just a moment ago: The terrified prince Empowering the haircut Within the tailor These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

Just returned from my monthly Cognitive Examination. I successfully identified pictures of a deer, a coypu, a sasquatch and a sparrow. No other tech CEO has ever achieved this! Thanks to all the top head doctors at the John Mastodon Health Centre! Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

Last night I dreamt of a trumpet, a merperson and a pink heart in a forest. These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

This story might help you in your journey through life: John Mastodon was holidaying in Charleston. A fisherman wondered "What is the nature of human suffering?" John replied: "But what are you?" Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

Last night I dreamt of a person bowing, a Laos and a woman and man holding hands in the desert. Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

I wrote this haiku whilst on my gap year in Nanjing: The poor, thin brother Preying on a plastic cheek Inside the suitor Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

This story might help you in your journey through life: John Mastodon was dining in the back of beyond with Princess Anne. A young girl inquired "What is the nature of Buddha?" John responded: "What is the nature of yourself?" Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

I wrote this haiku whilst on my gap year in the Arctic: The thick, round podcast Getting rather cosier Within a duchess This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

What if we used Wallace Shawn as a wish? This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.