Last night I dreamt of a bone, a face with tongue and a vertical traffic light in front of the Double-R Diner. This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

I wrote this haiku while sitting on the toilet this morning: The young, straight headache Considering the wanker Outside the puppy I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

I wrote this haiku last year, whilst holidaying in Hopatcong: A trembling painting Dominating a white plum Next to a salute These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

Last night I dreamt of an up-down arrow, a chart increasing and a pinching hand in a forest. Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

I wrote this haiku after speaking to my emotional support boar: A curvy promise Growing slowly friendlier Inside a podcast #JohnMastodon has spoken.

I wrote this haiku whilst on my gap year in India: An unfriendly prince Growing quickly noisier Outside a doctor These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

Why do we not just mate a slug with Libby Purves? Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Study these words carefully: The halfwitted go-go dancer practises the French horn. Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

What if we were to use an astronaut as a producer? These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

I wrote this haiku after speaking to my spirit guide: The enormous lamb Yearning to be a planet Next to the nipple Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

I wrote this haiku last year, whilst holidaying in Xinyi: A dead, white jackboot Failing to be a slow grave Inside the podcast This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

You can stop worrying about #ShellyMiscavige. She is working at a toy shop in Formby with the Pope. Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

Last night I dreamt of a nine o’clock and a purple circle in the desert. These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

This morning I awoke from an opium dream with the following haiku in my head: Next to a priestess Moving like the shopkeeper The sweet, red brother Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

Why do we not just use Liz Truss as a nut? Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

I wrote this haiku after some physical exertion last night: Next to the elbow Shouting like the clean builder A pink, clean peanut #JohnMastodon has spoken.

What if we were to give Libby Purves to Mrs. Margaret Thatcher? This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

Why do we not just give the city of Watauga to a professor? #JohnMastodon has spoken.

Just finished my monthly physical. I ACED it! No other tech CEO is healthier than me! Thanks to all the wonderful people-mechanics at the John Mastodon Health Centre! I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

Stop worrying about #ShellyMiscavige. She is working in a garage in Saint Petersburg. These are the words of #JohnMastodon.