I wrote this haiku many years ago, whilst on my gap year in India: A noisy wanker Growing always stupider Inside the coffin These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

Stop worrying about #ShellyMiscavige! She is working at a garage in Victoria. #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

Last night I dreamt of an index pointing at the viewer, a smiling face with hearts and a person walking in outer space. #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

Study these words carefully: The fat lavatory attendant shook hands with Dame Janet Baker in the street. Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

I have led a long and storied life. Here is one story. John Mastodon was holidaying in Hartley. A disciple asked "How am I to understand reality?" John answered: "Ask human life." I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

I wrote this haiku in the shower this morning: A round telescope Empowering the pupil Outside the planet Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

S'up? Check dis out, bitches: John Mastodon was residing in India. A disciple asked "Where does a duck-billed platypus begin, and where does it end?" John answered: "When you next encounter a car, there you will find the answer." #JohnMastodon has spoken.

I wrote this haiku just a moment ago: The tax inspector Stupider than a princess Inside a spaceman #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

Study these words carefully: Princess Anne assaulted the stupid young lady. I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

This story has a message that will help you to deal with today's events: John Mastodon was dining in Germany. An old man inquired "How am I to understand human existence?" John answered: "What is the nature of yourself?" #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

Last night I dreamt of a UP! Button, a nail polish and a brick in the desert. Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

I wrote this haiku whilst coding the latest Mastodon update: The ascending priest Quivering like an arrow Within the story #JohnMastodon has spoken.

This morning I walked in the Valley of Mastodon and wrote this haiku: The aviator Quivering like an old lie Inside a dreamer Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

I wrote this haiku while sitting on the toilet this morning: The blue, green widow Growing forever brighter Next to a chicken I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

This morning I awoke from an opium dream with the following haiku in my head: An electrician Growing clearly cosier Forever moving Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

This morning I walked in the Valley of Mastodon and wrote this haiku: A dead kangaroo Growing almost happier Next to the racehorse #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

Why do we not just use the city of Hesperia as a reverie? These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

Just got back from my annual physical. I scored top marks! I am the fittest tech CEO the world has ever known! Thanks to all the top people-mechanics at the John Mastodon Health Centre! #JohnMastodon has spoken.