This morning I walked in the Valley of Mastodon and wrote this haiku: Next to a blackboard Failing to be a promise A stiff, bright liar Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

Last night I dreamt of a speedboat and a flute in outer space. I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

Consider this story from my life: John Mastodon was tripping out in Morocco with Mr. Arthur Scargill. A disciple questioned "What is the nature of existence?" John responded: "Why do you think that exists?" Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

This morning I walked in the Valley of Mastodon and wrote this haiku: The healthy teacher Growing rather quieter Next to a butcher I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

This morning I awoke from a reverie with the following haiku in my head: Next to the window Brighter than a blue puppy The purple captain Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

This morning I awoke from a reverie with the following haiku in my head: Next to a blackboard Empowering a wise lie A warm, bright dreamer Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Study these words carefully: The husky policewoman reads The Sun. This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

Study these words carefully: The clever engine driver plays the cello loudly. Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

Study these words carefully: The husky librarian assaulted the stupid professor. Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

Our top scientists at Mastodon Tech have developed a new algorithm for extracting hidden meaning from texts. Here is an example. 𝐋𝐞𝐭 𝐦𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐇𝐨𝐜𝐤 𝐚𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐋𝐢𝐩 𝑏𝑦 𝐸𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑦 𝐷𝑖𝑐𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑠𝑜𝑛 Let me not thirst with this Hock at my Lip, Nor beg, with domains in my pocket— I am #JohnMastodon, your…

I wrote this haiku after speaking to my emotional support beaver: The rich, cold crab trap Failing like a round salute Within a jackboot #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

I wrote this haiku many years ago, whilst on my gap year in India: A noisy wanker Growing always stupider Inside the coffin These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

Stop worrying about #ShellyMiscavige! She is working at a garage in Victoria. #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

Last night I dreamt of an index pointing at the viewer, a smiling face with hearts and a person walking in outer space. #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

Study these words carefully: The fat lavatory attendant shook hands with Dame Janet Baker in the street. Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

I have led a long and storied life. Here is one story. John Mastodon was holidaying in Hartley. A disciple asked "How am I to understand reality?" John answered: "Ask human life." I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

I wrote this haiku in the shower this morning: A round telescope Empowering the pupil Outside the planet Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

S'up? Check dis out, bitches: John Mastodon was residing in India. A disciple asked "Where does a duck-billed platypus begin, and where does it end?" John answered: "When you next encounter a car, there you will find the answer." #JohnMastodon has spoken.

I wrote this haiku just a moment ago: The tax inspector Stupider than a princess Inside a spaceman #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.