#MorningGrump
Selflessness is planting a small tree knowing full well that you will never live to enjoy its shade.

#MorningGrump
The world is full of good people. If you can’t find one, BE one. Scratch that. Whether you find one or not, still BE one.

#MorningGrump
So… when does this "old enough to know better" kick in? Asking for a friend.

#MorningGrump
I don't go crazy, I AM crazy. I just go "normal" from time to time. I’m just glad I don’t stay that way.

#MorningGrump
I've been looking for my sanity, but I think it ran off with my motivation, the matching socks, and the good Tupperware lids.

#MorningGrump
After my funeral I want one of my friends to take my phone and text everyone "Thanks for coming."

#MorningGrump
I'd exercise, but I'm still trying to perfect my "before" picture.

#MorningGrump
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

#MorningGrump
I'm not saying I'm old but I just had to increase my font size to "Billboard."

#MorningGrump
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

#MorningGrump
I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once… particularly true on social media.

#MorningGrump
The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50%... per boob.

#MorningGrump
This moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humour... And you don't know whether to be proud or scared.

#MorningGrump
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke but once I’m rich… I’ll have to come up with another excuse.

#MorningGrump
I considered trying yoga, but upon consideration, that’s too much of a stretch for me.