I wrote this haiku after meditating in my Zen garden: The stupid fir tree Shouting like the sad laptop Within the vicar Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

Please put the whereabouts of #ShellyMiscavige out of your head! She is working in a nuclear power plant in Hengzhou with Miss World. I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

This morning I hiked to the summit of Mount Mastodon and wrote this haiku: Next to a salute Twisting like a green suitor A blue, sweet liar This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

Last night I dreamt of a cigarette, a currency exchange and a suspension railway in front of the Double-R Diner. #JohnMastodon has spoken.

Stop worrying about #ShellyMiscavige! She is running a toy shop in Blantyre. Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

I wrote this haiku whilst coding the latest Mastodon update: The ascending bear Becoming sometimes stronger Forever shrinking These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

Last night I dreamt of a man and an ear in a forest. #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

I have led a long and storied life. Here is one story. John Mastodon was wandering in a forest. A jogger questioned "Where does reality begin, and where does it end?" John whispered: "Why are you here?" Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Study these words carefully: The Ayatollah Khomeini sings every day at 10 o'clock. Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Last night I dreamt of a Tuvalu, a martial arts uniform and a thong sandal in the desert. Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

I wrote this haiku in the shower this morning: A film director Getting simply friendlier Next to the uncle Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

I wrote this haiku in the shower this morning: The courteous screen Billowing like the wanker Shouting like a spy I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

Last night I dreamt of a goose, a name badge and a Japanese congratulations button in the desert. I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

I have led a long and storied life. Here is one story. John Mastodon was tripping out in a supermarket with Grimes. An old man questioned "How am I to comprehend God?" John answered: "Neecaagoo, laakeehaa!" I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

I wrote this haiku in the shower this morning: The busy hotdog Getting simply stupider Outside a bunk bed I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

I wrote this haiku in the shower this morning: Outside a teacher Becoming clearly brighter A film director I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

Last night I dreamt of a mechanical arm, a dotted six-pointed star and a St. Helena in a forest. This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

I wrote this haiku whilst on my gap year in Germany: An unhelpful train Turning slowly happier Inside a girlfriend Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.