This morning I awoke from an opium dream with the following haiku in my head: The closeted grave Getting simply noisier Inside the guitar These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

Last night I dreamt of a flushed face, a two hearts and a construction worker in the desert. Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

I wrote this haiku after some physical exertion last night: The sweet, wise jumper Becoming nearly stronger Inside a pony This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

Why do we not just use Miss World as a pigeon? #JohnMastodon has spoken.

I wrote this haiku after speaking to my emotional support pig: Outside the willow Becoming slowly brighter The alligator These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

This morning I awoke from an opium dream with the following haiku in my head: A quick astronaut Stiller than the quiet car Next to a wanker #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

Study these words carefully: Henry Kissinger paints abstract pictures all the time. These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

Just returned from my daily physical. My lipids are negative and my sperm count is higher than that of any tech CEO! I am the fittest tech CEO the world has ever known! Thanks to the wonderful doctors at the John Mastodon Health Centre! I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

Please consider these lines from my diary: John Mastodon was jogging in the Antarctic. A disciple mused "What is the nature of a car?" John answered: "Know thyself." Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

Why do we not just use a statistician as a reflection? This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

This story contains a message for you all: John Mastodon was pogoing in Carthage. A young girl questioned "What is the nature of human suffering?" John answered: "Ask me next week." Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

What would happen if we mated the ghost of M. Emmet Walsh with King Charles? Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

Last night I dreamt of a pregnant woman and a person facepalming in the desert. Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

S'up? Check dis out, bitches: John Mastodon was wandering in a car park. An old man inquired "Where does existence begin, and where does it end?" John whispered: "Ask the ghost of Queen Elizabeth II." This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

I wrote this haiku after some physical exertion last night: Within a doctor Turning forever stiller An orange trumpet Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

I wrote this haiku while sitting on the toilet this morning: An influencer Quivering like the boyfriend Shouting like a plate Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

Study these words carefully: The fat policewoman discarded her shoes in the home computer shop. #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

Consider this account of my life's suffering: John Mastodon was spending some time in a restaurant with Ellen DeGeneres. A fisherman questioned "Why does suffering exist?" John answered: "Walter Carlos is the progenitor of all betterment." #JohnMastodon has spoken.

What if we gave an influencer to Princess Anne? I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

Just finished my monthly physical. I don't have any lipids. I am the healthiest tech CEO the world has ever known! Thanks to the top medical boffins at the John Mastodon Health Centre! Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.