Tonite's MANNIX episode: 'The Loosening".

In the next issue of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine, we ask curmudgeonly but cuddly professional wrestler Killer Kowalski "other than cauliflower, what's your favourite kind of ear?".

Yep, that's me in Canadian Tire's fall experimental hats catalogue. I'm all decked out in the Butter Knife Dynamo. My nephew Chip Xanadu sports the Vulture Intimidator, while Alderman Bub Hotplate looks manly in a perfectly-felted Le Corbusier Spare Room, a tribute to penthouse apartments.

Wonderful reunion luncheon yesterday of the 1930 graduating class from Mt. Pleasant Cemetery High School. Most were on the football team with me, the Fighting Euphemisms. Contrary to popular belief our cheerleading slogan was NOT 'We will bury you'. That was the motto on our fathers' business cards.

Sad day as Zsa Zsa Gabor's Molten Lava Museum closes its doors in Leaside, a victim of the social taboo against hydrogen sulfide. "When I was a little girl, I used to dip our dolls' legs into the lava flowing behind our home in Budapest. I wanted to bring that joy to the people of East York".

Nervy cosmetic podiatrist Kirk Tenderloin (Michael Landon) sees #Hollywood's obsession with Bible-themed movies, and crafts the perfect heist: every Roman sandal they need, all sitting in a Cucamonga warehouse. Co-starring Joan Crawford as a footwear psychic. OPERATION OPEN-TOED at the Imperial Six.

The seasonal conversion of ice cream trucks into conveyances serving discriminating gents of a certain age is almost complete. Patrons will be lured by recordings of Lee Marvin's dialogue from THE DIRTY DOZEN. Watch for them wherever the high-waisted & Bovril-loving congregate!

It's back to school for adults too at the Lorne Greene School for Theatrical Electricians. Vice-Principal Betty Gleim throws the switch for high-voltage truancy doors, alongside mascot Larry Ohm and Principal Dennis Seebeck-Effekt, pioneer of the use of static electricity to simulate love on stage.

Let the bells ring and the banners fly! Today I'm opening Toronto's first walk-in toupée humidor, Les Lids, designed by me and built by hairless (to avoid any conflict of interest) architect Frank Lloyd Writhe (no relation). Drop by for free Tahiti Treat and complimentary shirt collar widening.