I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.

What was Icarus's favourite food? Hot wings.

When people criticise you for being short, they're really just saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn't more of you.

At the airport, my friend suggested we disguise ourselves as luggage. I said, "let's not get carried away."

Learning English can be difficult. It can be taught through tough, thorough thought, though.

Somebody said my dad's gay. And I'm now trying to work out which one.

They say 'the machines of the future' will be as smart as people... OK, but WHICH people? Because it kinda matters quite a bit.

When you think that all is lost, that there is no hope left, remember the lobsters in the tank at the Titanic's restaurant.

I took my 8-year-old daughter to the office on 'Take Your Kid To Work Day'. But when we walked in the office she started to cry. As concerned staff gathered round I asked her what was wrong and she said: "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. Plus it's fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

I'm an optimistic pessimist. I'm positive things will go wrong.

l asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with. She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens.

Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

They say childbirth is the most painful thing anyone can experience. Maybe I was too young to remember, but I don't think it hurt that much.

What do you call Santa without a GPS? A lost Claus...

Received a text from the wife saying she was breaking up with me. Imagine how relieved I was when a couple of minutes later she texted "sorry wrong number".

I used to be a bus driver but I had to quit. I was fed up of people talking behind my back.