Horses were overworked and collapsing in NYC streets so people could have a “romantic” carriage ride. Tradition isn’t an excuse. Electric carriages are an option. If losing that ride matters more to you than their suffering, f@ck off. Thank you, Mamdani, for taking this seriously.

Ruin a book by adding a word Fellowship of the Ring Camera

My husband learned CPR. I’m glad, but I wish he’d stop looking at me like he’s waiting for an opportunity.

The dark arts have terrible customer service. 🧙

😂😂😂😂

🎶 Break me off a piece of whatever this is. 🎶

😂😂😂

The dark arts have terrible customer service. 🧙

My husband learned CPR. I’m glad, but I wish he’d stop looking at me like he’s waiting for an opportunity.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, "You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it."

Never grocery shop hungry. I went in for toothpaste and came out prepared to cater a wedding.

Shag carpet was the best 😂

It’s the Chiefs’ bye week. What am I supposed to do Sunday? Yell at my family? They don’t even know the plays. 😂

ME: I’m a little drunk. HER: I know. ME: You’re very beautiful. HER: Thank you. ME: Do I look okay naked? HER: You do. ME: Do you like my penis? HER: It’s very nice. ME: Big, too. HER: Yes it is. ME: What now? HER: I have to call the police. ME: Why? HER: Starbucks policy, sir.

“I was home. I have never been more home.”

My dream guy is Chewbacca. He’s tall, has great hair and doesn’t talk much

i've seen some terrible puns but this is really the last straw

Nothing makes me want to keep an item more than finding out I have to print something to return it.