Do you know how hard it is to lose the war if you're the United States? It's about as unlikely as bankrupting a casino.

I’m like a hundred dollar bill. Nobody just lets it sit on the sidewalk and not pick it up as they walk by.

Pffffft. I can fold a fitted bedsheet. I haven’t been single since the seventh grade.

What about one of me folding fitted bedsheets?

I’M TRYING BUT WHISKEY FEELS SO NICE IN MY MOUTH!!!

If the traffic and weather here weren’t so GD horrific, Seattle would be my favorite city in America.

Good night weird phone people.

I have a beard. I can be your assistant!

What are we all still doing up?

I have as many Nobel Peace Prizes as Donald J. Trump does.

So THAT is why I’m oddly suspicious of you…

He’s one of Shane’s joke writers…

It’s not for anyone with a sense of humor that evolved past their eigth birthday

I’m gonna be out of pocket tomorrow so I need some volunteers to track all the good stuff I miss on here and report back to me Monday morning.

We’ll take it!