What the FUCK

the snoofing but sad

oh, and thank you for the kind thoughts and words the other day. i wish i was feeling better, but even though i’m not i deeply appreciate sparing a moment for me. things are harder than i thought they would be right now and i’m definitely struggling, but i won’t give up. 🥺

i need to stress i do not want to do anything rash. it just sucks that my mental health is once again so poor- in tandem with my physical health, even- that this has even resurfaced

you sometimes think you outgrow these feelings, this line of thinking. some people do. some people, like me, oscillate back and forth over it. and it’s not a comfortable thing- my body instinctively protects itself for even considering it.

struggling a lot with bad thoughts still. i had moments this morning where i considered things that i haven’t since 2023. doesn’t feel great.

genuinely pissing me off a little. why is clip studio like this

i love love love the ditch photoshop for clip studio argument but clip doesn’t support native CMYK workflows still. for some reason. so you just kind of have to accept that printed materials will look different after export if you don’t use photoshop to fine tune the levels anyway

wolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolf

jonathan blow: "waa bla bloo bloo soulja boy said my game is for people who smoke" phil fish:

i don’t know if anyone has the answer. i think coping mechanisms help but i don’t have any for this particular state i’m in right now thank you for sharing that with me. it makes me happy to hear that someone likes my work despite being outside the vocaloid scene’s orbit.

i need to feel heard and i just don’t know how to feel that way if i stay quiet

please please please be patient with me if i start going into the deep end. i’m not trying to lash out i’m trying to breach the surface so i can breathe

separating this thought from the previous thread: so much of my existential dread and social anxiety is amplified right now by the medical struggle i’ve been enduring. i feel lonely all the time, even when i’m not alone. the pain in my body drains my energy rapidly and i’m tired more often than not

and honestly that’s almost worse than feeling disliked. and i’m in so much pain over it.

i wish i didn’t attach my self-worth to these feelings. i wish i could just keep making my own shit and move on and matter to myself in my own way, not chain myself down to a clout anchor like this. but i give a shit what people think and it sucks, because the silence is loud. it’s so, so loud.

is this just a matter of me reaping the seeds i’d sewn, being somewhat abrasive in my younger years? being naive and stupid in my older years and making everyone distance themselves from me? is this a lingering effect of The June 2023 Incident that i still struggle to cope with?

i have built up a small but passionate community around my work that i deeply cherish and appreciate. but you see “underrated vocaloid producers” lists and i’m never on them, and i’m like. some of these producers are more popular than me on average. huh?

i think the bridge of “What This Is” pretty clearly illustrates that this struggle of feeling underrated is, in my mind, an Ego Problem that should be set aside, but keeping with my other rejection-sensitivity issues, it lingers quietly in my mind most days and becomes unignorable on others.