i'll check in and let you know

my neck is so bad right now my memory foam pillow is drinking to forget

i won't even dignify that with an answer

i like all three flavours of green ice cream: mint, pistachio, and kermit

Relabeling dissociation as going “no contact with myself” IS better branding, to be fair

el niño? more like el nuño fuckin business

invented a new game: everyone go reskeet my old posts until someone guesses the winner

in order to conjure up an air of mystery i will henceforth be referring to my hot flashes as el niños

Anything can be mysterious if you just don't know things

carefully folding up my last shred of patience and putting it in my pocket with a gentle pat as i quietly murmur to myself i will definitely need that for later also when i typed shred of my phone suggested evidence as a following word so i don't know that probably means something

It weirds me out that my mom can tell when I’m high, so naturally every time I get high, I call her and try to convince her I’m not.

I’m not the problem, the thousands of people who blocked me are

the computer is alive and it’s my friend

turning the modest pumpkin into a villain, a grotesque shell of what it once was, never to return to its true self

i hope they make it to the severance floor in the Backrooms sequel

my wedding night turning from joy to horror as my bride takes advantage of my slumber to untie the mysterious green ribbon affixed to the base of my penis

a motorcycle sidecar but surprise! it's for soup

*resting my chin on my fist* ooh, tell me less

I’m often low-key concerned I’ll hit send on a post about bigfoot erotica at the same time our prez declares martial law or something

Here in Mass, our bowling is candlepin bowling. You don’t get fitted for a ball or put your fingers in grody holes. Finesse is for the weak. You hold that fucker like a grenade and chuck that shit as hard as you can. There is deadwood in the gutter.