Yes I know them, we went to Twitter together.

It's October, the fog machine stays on during sex.

Imagine thinking I'm cool then getting to know me, and realising I'm even cooler.

My bed is my comfort zone technically speaking

Some people come into your life as a reminder that you enjoy being alone

Them: you ok? Me: no, but I am lots of fun.

Oh I'm out of pocket? I wear women's clothes; I don't have any pockets.

Why must my inner demons crave chocolate peanut butter cups at 9pm?!

my neck is so bad right now my memory foam pillow is drinking to forget

yeah. that's fair

First day at Fight Club..... Me: So, THIS is Fight Club!!! Any rules I should know about????

doxxing the 1 dentist who refuses to recommend Colgate

If my car could talk it would probably just beg for an oil change.

Thoughts are wasted on the thoughtless.

Done. Good morning! 🩷

CO-WORKER: Can I get your opinion? ME: Get a divorce CO-WORKER: I was going to ask if you liked this shirt ME: Give that up in the divorce

I wanna be rich enough to have toothpick holders that are fancy enough to show off to dinner guests

the survival instinct is strong in this one

Everyone should believe in something... right now I'm believing I should be back in bed.

Life *when I'm already down*: Has anyone tried kicking him?

my communist manifesto includes that whomever i might be dining with has to give me half of whatever they ordered