[jurassic park] ALAN GRANT: the t-rex can’t see you if you don’t move ME: *In The Air Tonight on my headphones gets to the drum solo part* fuck fuck fuck

medicinal homemade biscuits with ultra processed turkey sausage

After 3 tries, I finally got my scarecrow license. (I kept trying to make friends with the cool birds.)

If anyone needs a friend, don’t contact this person (unless you just want someone yelling at you for nothing)

Me: You have one penny and one nickel in your pocket. Them: That's amazing, how'd you do that? Me: I have a six cents about these things.

I know I smoked for 20 years but when the dentist showed me the coloring for my new crown I wanted to cry a lil bit bc it was a mighty yellow. C'mon man, it's a fake tooth make it bright white or Harald blue

I have been in the office for four hours and have gotten so much done (on Bluesky)

it's hilarious when anti-trans folks misgender Michiganders

JD Salinger became a recluse because he had to pee thru a tube that made him twist in pain. It was The Catheter in the Writhe.

Oh shit. Bluesky is breaking again

My lukewarm take is that in 2026 not offering allergen-free options at your restaurant or making sure your enterprise is ♿️ accessible is bad business & I feel your lack of accommodations should lead to your failure if you choose not to do so

I’m going to be honest with you, nothing productive will get done today

Hōn hōn

👀

Your grandfather sounds like a hoot

😂😂😂

FDR: healed the great depression JFK: dared to touch the moon LBJ: spanish for blowjob

New skill for my resume- identifying a giraffe

yeah im into CD-ROMs Ceeing Deez Rnuts Oin your Mouth