“I know you think you’re being funny, but honestly Dave, it’s just hurtful.”

A noise in the night Has brought me awake So I grab my coat And a lamp I do take I slip out of the tent And creep down to the lake When I see something move And my hands start to shake Could it be a bear? Or a poisonous snake? So I shine my light And there can be no mistake It’s

you must have been proud when he was elected mayor

Roses are red Pumpkins are orange Poems are stupid

Whenever you ask somebody “if you could have dinner with anyone living or dead, who would it be?” they always pick a person they’d personally benefit from. Fuck that. I’m picking the Earl of Sandwich. Taking him to Quiznos. I want him to see the magnitude of his legacy. And a French dip

HOUR 5: Legs beginning to cramp and I really have to pee. Nice lady brought me pretzel from food court. Still awaiting further instructions, but am starting to have my doubts. Must stay strong.

Many years ago I was all but certain I had seen a UFO. Driving alone on a remote highway late at night I saw a strange light above me, and for a few minutes it kept pace overhead before disappearing into the ether. Anyway that was the day I learned Florida uses airplanes to dish out speeding tickets

Inner monologue: acceptable Inner dialogue: little weird Inner epilogue: you need help Inner captain’s log: metal af

Nothing has ever made me feel younger than a good beat convincing me to make bad decisions

the survival instinct is strong in this one

“Hurry up, Arnold! The wolf just took down your brother’s house and it looks like he’s headed this way!”

grandma: are you hungry? me: maybe a little grandma:

Pigeons were used extensively during WWI and WWII, carrying information over enemy lines, and saving thousands of lives. Innate intelligence, speed and endurance served them well on missions, as did an uncanny talent for camouflage. See if you can spot the pigeon in this picture.

Most potential pet owners consider things like breeding, size, coat, intelligence, trainability, and temperament. Often overlooked is the crucially important element of aerodynamics, which can greatly affect your gas mileage, raising the overall cost of ownership significantly.

must have been one helluva chase

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

[best read with a French accent] “I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

“Listen Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

We share myriad facial expressions with our simian cousins. Among the most common are those engendered by happiness, anger, surprise, fear, sadness, and kale.

"Hi Mom. Yeah, I'm still at Christopher's house. We were playing on this wheel he has and it's SO COOL! Anyway, his mother wants to know if I can stay for dinner. What? Grilled cheese, I think. Wait, I'll ask. My mom wants to know if you have any lactose-free."

Followed but muted is no way to live