Illustrator & cartoonist | Guardian & Prospect (full scripts in alt text) | graphic novels | children’s books | WFC | My stuff: https://linktr.ee/stephencollinsart
@stephencollins.bsky.social Pinned![[Scene is the Tudor royal court. ladies and gentlemen standing round. In the corner a very fat HENRY VIII is hunched over playing a lute.]
1
LADY:
Hey Anne Boleyn -
Who’s that lute player?
ANNE BOLEYN:
I dunno
[Determined face]
But I’m gonna find out.
[Title lettering panel]:
THIS SUMMER
[Scene is now two musicians - one with a harp, the other is Henry VIII again playing the lute]
HARPIST:
Yo Henry VIII -
Who wrote that sick lute riff yo’ jamming?
HENRY VIII:
Why...
[Looking around, modest, surprised at the attention]
I did…!
[Title lettering panel]:
SEE THE STORY
[Scene is now a tudor record producer with ruff and wearing dark sunglasses]:
PRODUCER:
Congratulations Henry
Your lute thing is a hit and your story is now one of uncomplicated musical success!
[Show a panel with lots of Beatlemania-style scenes of success for Henry the musician - swooning tudor girls, playing lute on stage, waving to fans as he descends from his golden carriage. In the middle of it in Tudor lettering are the words]:
“UNCOMPLICATED MUSICAL SUCCESS MONTAGE”.
[Another scene - a man is saying to Henry]:
MAN:
Say Henry VIII -
Are you doing anything outside this narrative that is very bad or weird?
HENRY VIII:
No.
[Title lettering panel]:
…OF A MUSICAL GENIUS
who definitely didn’t do anything outside this narrative that was very bad or weird
[Scene with Thomas Cromwell]
THOMAS CROMWELL:
Hang on Henry aren't you also a -
HENRY VIII [jumping in front of him with his lute held aloft]:
LUTE SOLO!
[Final film title panel]:
HENRY VIII:
Rock Biopic
[rated U]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_fullsize/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreidmilghzmgnj35twr4xvnfm5eubpcdc4xmtd5nzexe2ybcubmeu7m)
Stephen Collins
@stephencollins.bsky.social
@stephencollins.bsky.social Pinned
@rickburin.bsky.socialReposted by @stephencollins.bsky.socialReminded today of this all-timer from the early days of The Internet
@stephencollins.bsky.socialWhat, what, what the hell is this beautiful thing
@stephencollins.bsky.social@stephencollins.bsky.socialYeah I'm conflicted on TCWs. They need to bring out a chocolate-heavy version. But the Tunnocks Teacake is iconic for good reason
@stephencollins.bsky.socialwow you made them from scratch? They look amazing
@stephencollins.bsky.socialThis is an incisive and crunchy take. It's a mix of nostalgia and authenticity signalling, which are connected in some way
@stephencollins.bsky.socialI'm pretty sure florentines would be disgusted at the very concept of 'biscuit'
@stephencollins.bsky.socialLol yes enrobed nothing is ever enrobed apart from the best biscuits
@stephencollins.bsky.socialYou are lying to yourself and me The best ones say things like 'The Best' on the packet. The packet says this because inside it are the ones which are the best.
@stephencollins.bsky.socialDirty little posh secret
@stephencollins.bsky.socialThe best ones are the ones you are ashamed to admit they say 'simply delectable' or 'the finest' or something equally cunty on the packet and there are four of them for £15 and they have more packaging than an emergency couriered replacement heart
@stephencollins.bsky.socialI asked you your favourite biscuit and you said 'oh a hob nob' or 'digestive' or 'bourbon' and you thought it would make me think you authentic and real but you should have said 'the poshest ones I can find for the posh ones are the best' as that is the truth you hide and now I know you are a coward
@stephencollins.bsky.socialWhat's that, if you don't mind me asking? (Sorry, I know Google is my friend but)
@stephencollins.bsky.socialyes looked already – quite a few veterans from this car park on there! It's proper famous, genuinely feel like I've met a celebrity but only realised who it was afterwards
@stephencollins.bsky.socialGet really method about it. Refuse to talk to my wife unless she addresses me as "Mr Coffee"/"Mr McDonalds" depending which side of the border I'm on
@stephencollins.bsky.socialThey're so boringly, pettily evil. Imagine that being a company you built, your life's work. 
@stephencollins.bsky.socialSo wild! I've never heard anything like it
@stephencollins.bsky.socialBasically they've bought the tiny car park between a McDonald's and a Starbucks, right: then cut it in two and made Extremely Mental Rules about how if you park in McDs you CANNOT get a coffee from Starbucks and vice versa, even if you visit both! They literally scour the cctv for transgressors
@stephencollins.bsky.social@stephencollins.bsky.socialAny other alumni out there of the Stanstead 'McDonald's-Starbucks' scam? They've been getting away with it for years