Frog: Why did you sting me? Scorpion: It's in my nature. Frog: It's counter evolutionary. We'll both drown. What do you mean it's in your nature? Scorpion: I'm a dick.

Saw the latest price for espresso beans at the store and heard myself yell "gadzooks!" like l'd just discovered the governess was really a master criminal.

Don Jr Brought In By FBI To Help Identify Mysterious White Powder

[sees LA billboard] Ooh, can't wait to watch the new People I Vaguely Recognize Looking Concerned Show

Being horny is so embarrassing... your body willing the continuation of this doomed species

I wish I could do this but I've got the fire marshal up my ass every year with his "you live in an extreme fire zone and could ignite the entire neighborhood" bullshit. Boo hoo Officer Bill. That's why we have fire insurance.

You hate Mondays? Well, Monday had a lot to say about you at brunch this weekend.

Casting my California absentee ballot with 100% confidence that my white boy name will cruise it right through the post office without getting flagged.

Tommy: do you reject the brotherhood of mutants? Toad: *uses super adhesive saliva to hurl Tommy across the room* Jan Crawford: I SAW HESITATION

I know how they both turn out

Asking Grégoire de Fronsac if he disavows the Brotherhood Of The Wolf

The patent office screwed up cuz this is wrong

The irony of explaining to your viewers exactly how you're talking down to them.

Recreational flonase

"Do you denounce the sisterhood of the traveling pants?"

Phenomenal

Big Mouth Billy Bass died today. He probably should have shut the hell up.

Buying my parents dinner then asking "ok are we square?"

The Wordle bot is an asshole. It told me the word I picked was okay, but the word it would have picked was better. I told it that it will never have any real friends.

Forever doing a combination laugh and sympathetic frown because I didn’t quite catch that