Stephen King was just an ordinary student, running down the street late for school, a slice of toast in his mouth, when he was hit by a truck and woke up in: The Dark Tower

Edison: behold! i can kill an elephant with just a touch! Edison: the power of electricity makes me a god! a god, i say! Edison: and they said i was mad! ha! Mad? i'll show them mad!! Edison: ah ha ha ha! Shelley: damn i take it back Shelley: maybe this guy DOES get frankenstein

Edison: ok now prepare yourself for the main event! Edison: here it is Edison: Frankenstein! Poe: what the hell Koontz: [cries] Edison: sorry sorry that's the wrong reel Edison: that's my topsy the elephant livestreamed execution reel

Edison: oh i see Edison: i guess you'd rather a big oaf with neck bolts huh?!?! Shelley: no Shelley: you assholes always get it wrong Shelley: the monster's supposed to be hot Guillermo del Toro: right, hot Shelley: see? this guy got it right Shelley: got that one thing right Shelley: not much else

Edison: don't be afraid, ma'am! this monster isn't real! it's merely an illusion created by... movie magic! and the power of thomas edison's patent-pending ELECTRICITY (tm)!!!! Shelley: motherfucker, i know that Shelley: why's the monster look like that? Edison: like what? Shelley: like shit Edison:

Mary Shelley: sup fuckers Poe: thomas edison was showing us his frankenstein Shelley: oh yeah? let me see Edison: behold! Shelley: Shelley: Shelley: Shelley: why's he look like that

Edison: ok i'm going to start the movie Edison: rest assured, ladies and gentlemen, that you are in no danger Edison: although these moving pictures are disturbingly lifelike, they are mere images like upon the walls of plato's cave Edison: the monster cannot escape from the film and get you

Edison: See! the modern prometheus as you've never seen him before Edison: brought to you by me, thomas edison, a modern prometheus in his own right Edison: let's see that fuckin nikola tesla compete with this!

Edison: Yes, it's Thomas Edison's Frankenstein! Edison: brought to you by the miracle of Thomas Edison's greatest discovery- ELECTRICITY! Koontz: gosh! i thought benjamin franklin discovered electricity! Edison: Edison: get out Koontz: b-but Edison: GET OUT King: now thomas, dean didn't Edison: OUT

Edison: and today i have brought you a spectacle the likes of which you have never seen before Edison: an extravaganza of moving imagery! Edison: a spectacular of terror that will have you quaking in your seats! Edison: behold! Edison: Thomas Edison's Frankenstein!

Thomas Edison: Behold! it is I! The Bringer of Light! The Inventor of Modernity! A veritable god on earth! Poe: King: Koontz: Barker: Lovecraft: Edison: allow me to introduce myself Edison: i am thomas E. Edison Edison: geeeeeeenius

King: the vampire advanced, his eyes sparkling with the dead avidity of a stuffed moose Poe: that doesn't make sense steve King: it's called a metaphor Poe: yes but Poe: are you aware of what a metaphor is for, steve? King: it sounds cool? Poe: sometimes but Barker: this does not sound cool steve

King: c'mon guys i'm sure you've heard people say it Barker: i have never in my life heard anyone say that King: well, that's old and sad, like the glasses of water that they bring you in diners Barker: WHAT King: it's called a metaphor, clive Barker: I am aware of metaphors Barker: but still WHAT

King: you know, halleljah amen chunky peanut butter Koontz: Poe: Lovecraft: Barker: King: it's a thing people say Barker: maybe you say it King: it's a common expression Barker: no it's not

King: whatever, i don't care. hallelujah, amen, chunky peanut butter! Koontz: Poe: Lovecraft: Barker: Poe: uh Barker: no no edgar let me ask it Barker: steve, what the fuck are you talking about

King: also, there's a priest in this town King: he's having a crisis of faith because he's upset that the modern church just cares about social justice instead of monsters King: "i can't believe the catholic church has gone woke," he laments

King: don't worry about that bram King: this writer has a chaste romance with a woman that involves drinking beer with her dad Stoker: oh you thought of everything!

Stoker: see, a lot of people think that many writers are gay Barker: get outta town!! Stoker: writers are actually the most het of all professions Stoker: if there's one thing we never think about, it's dudes Barker: how do you feel about cowboys bram Stoker: i Stoker: that's different!

Bram Stoker: steve, this is the greatest vampire story ever told! Stoker: but i'm worried King: oh? Stoker: well, you've established that our hero is a manly guy who's not a weird artsy weirdo King: yeah he drinks beer Stoker: right right Stoker: but how do we know he's not gay?