Man, I love watching football.

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BREAKING: White House announces military execution of Fort Hood shooter will be live-streamed as exclusive pay-per-view event featuring pre-execution boxing match between Logan Paul and Kevin Sorbo, hot dog eating contest, and stand-up comedy from host Nate Bargatze.

As god-awful as he is I’m beginning to think the spineless, opportunistic, sycophantic shit stains enabling him might be even worse.

Only people of low intelligence would consider artificial intelligence to be super intelligence.

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BREAKING: Donald Trump doubles down on saying again exactly what his followers claim he didn’t say.

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BREAKING: Red state residents applaud idea of foreign countries attacking American taxpayers who fund their welfare.

BREAKING: Same people claiming Donald Trump was “just joking” about Iran attacking Los Angeles and San Diego also wanted you to lose your job for pointing out Charlie Kirk was actually an awful human being.

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If you see me in the real world and ask “so what you been up to?” and I say “oh same old” just know what I really mean is “oh waiting for my son to fall asleep so my wife and I can watch a few episodes of Reacher.”

BREAKING: Americans could have sworn, in this country treason punishable by death, right?

BREAKING: White House claims Donald Trump wasn’t actually asking Iran to “take out” Los Angeles and San Diego but to merely “Roman salute” them.

I WANT IRAN TO TAKE OUT LA AND SAN DIEGO SO I CAN KEEP FUCKING LITTLE KIDS LIKE YOU!!!

BREAKING: Republican residents of Los Angeles and San Diego wondering if Donald Trump will send them their $5,000 before or after he has Iran attack them.