no i don’t want to “hang out” i only want to be perceived two sentences at a time by strangers on the internet

1 like = 1 raisin in your mac & cheese

(shocking reveal) i actually really like raisins

jerry, no more raisin posts

why does Mario wear the white gloves. does he run a finger along your drainpipe to judge the level of your excremental squalor

“not an appealing quality!” says the least charismatic person on earth

I get most of my cardio from attempting to extricate myself from sweaty t-shirts.

Genetics are like ghosts of your ancestors but on the inside.

I'll be stepping away from square dance calling for a bit so I'll need you to hoedown the fort.

sweet dreams buddy 🧸

sorry this is an inside joke

comes free with any order of potato salad

i have until like 10pm then it is bedtime

procrastinators version is “later later later”

ɴᴏᴡ ɴᴏᴡ ɴᴏᴡ ɴᴏᴡ ɴᴏᴡ ɴᴏᴡ ●━━━▶︎ɴᴏᴡ ɴᴏᴡ ┃ ɴᴏᴡ ɴᴏᴡ ▼ ɴᴏᴡ ɴᴏᴡ

inventing a los that doesn’t mystify me

Inventing urinal cakes that look like jelly fish

Whenever you ask somebody “if you could have dinner with anyone living or dead, who would it be?” they always pick a person they’d personally benefit from. Fuck that. I’m picking the Earl of Sandwich. Taking him to Quiznos. I want him to see the magnitude of his legacy. And a French dip

my plan is working perfectly

is this about me