I'm not participating in this one but many of my fellow RevPit editors are! Good luck all :)

Perhaps “a lonely pangolin”?

Instead of the last two parts, consider a more typical structure so we understand the stakes. But after {unique inciting incident}, MC must {do an intriguing & difficult task alone/with others} or {a specific terrible consequence} will happen.

Agree w Krys’ points. Also, consider adding something to the last line, which feels rhythmically unfinished. “Where compassion becomes treason and {other aspect of conspiracy}”

I love your final line but agree the middle bits are vague. Give us more specifics, while minimizing proper names (like instead of Shedu, tell us what they are - “captured by an evil emperor” for example.

Love this :) If you have space, perhaps a bit more after “must stop it” to give us some detail of what she must do to stop it.

Eek, try to tag them on Twitter. That can be a fast track to someone who can help.

I’d*

I’m remove then if you don’t have space bc “try not to kiss/fall in love” may sound cliched and doesn’t tell us why they can’t kiss/fall in love. We don’t know what bad thing happens if they do.

I think the original I read is more compelling (because this one makes it sound like there’s no worries since she can do all magic so there’s no story), but I’d work in that the other girl is the lover of one of the godlike peeps. If you do reference her magic, also share a limiter/weakness.

Suggest “their” homeland instead of “her” & “Revolts/mutinies” instead of “rebels.” The stakes sentence is visually difficult to read. Maybe something like: She must choose between joining the rebels to free her mother, or fighting for the city she and her lover call home.

Lovely cadence. The last bit left me puzzled though. How would drilling erase a city? Is it their city? Consider squeezing in more detail here.

This is the cutest. No notes except the emojis are a bit muted. Maybe some more colorful ones?

This is such a fun list. To make it easier to read at the fast pace agents will on pitch contest day, consider shortening to: Scholarly know-it-all Cinnamon roll Stone Carver

This starts out very strong and quippy, then loses momentum. Maybe: …discovers a {benevolent/protective} fungus hyperlinking {all} human minds except his. He must break in to {a lab?} before a {billionaire} CEO kills it and wires humanity into her AI {tech} instead.

To escape a prison surrounded by monsters, a girl must pit two godlike rivals against each other. But her greatest threat turns out to be just like her: a scared girl with the resolve to never be small again. She must X or Y will happen. OR She must choose X and risk Y, or A and risk B.

Consider being more specific about the stakes. How is the girl a threat? What choices is MC forced to choose between. Second reply incoming, a suggestion to create space for stakes info.

This sounds so fun :) Why must they try not to kiss? What are the consequences if they do?

Yeah :/ it can be hard to come up with proxy words so you can avoid proper nouns (other than MC’s name)