I’m tired of giving friendly advice. I’m going to start offering violent alternatives

I think you might have a case of main character syndrome, your honor.

Friend: make yourself at home Me: tell your kids to gtfo

I just had to answer my ringing phone. What a terrible experience.

hot singles in your area are hunting again. don't make a sound. don't show any fear. they can smell your fear.

Imagine finding a piece of hay in a stack of needles.

Me: I'll just put this here. It will be fine. My cats: lololololol

some of you have never taken a walk on the wild side and it really shows

i read the room. it’s not a bestseller

(walking into an active construction site) heyyyyy what are you guys makinggggg

I’ve got cheese tasting scheduled with the cats at that time

This water isnt hitting the spot. I need something stronger *makes chocolate milk*

Valid point

😂

Thinking of cancelling my screaming services.

When I’m murdered by a serial killer, no telling what will be left in there

me at a car dealership: these used to all be horses

I’ve judged several books by their covers. I’ve also been known to have opiniona on critics’ blurbs, authors’ photos, and copyright pages. I am a publisher’s worst nightmare.

When they told me to scrub my brain, they neglected to mention I shouldn't do it with a toilet brush

Funny how sometimes you see the date and think, oh it's my friend from 3rd grade's birthday

She shouted out into the void, and the void did not answer. Because she was blocked immediately