There always must be some kind of hitch.
Isn't nature (finish this line for yourself
and get a year's subscription to the Boston Post).

#DorothyParker #Parker

On being told at a Halloween party that people were ducking for apples:
"There, but for a single consonant, is the story of my life."

#DorothyParker #Parker

Name of her poodle:
"Cliche."

#DorothyParker #Parker

I require only three things of a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

#DorothyParker #Parker

Charles Dickens

Who call him spurious and shoddy
Shall do it o'er my lifeless body.
I heartily invite such birds
To come outside and say those words!

#DorothyParker #Parker

I like to think of my shining tombstone. It gives me, as you might say, something to live for.

#DorothyParker #Parker

Her locks had been so frequently and so drastically brightened and curled that to caress them, one felt, would be rather like running one's fingers through julienne potatoes.

#DorothyParker #Parker

Ornithology For Beginners

The bird that feeds from off my palm
Is sleek, affectionate, and calm,
But double to me, is worth the thrush
A-flickering in the elder-bush.

#DorothyParker #Parker

People ought to be one of two things, young or old. No - what's the use of fooling? People ought to be one of two things, young or dead.

#DorothyParker #Parker

Wit has truth in it. Wise-cracking is simply callisthenics with words.

#DorothyParker #Parker

Women who live alone in small residential hotels throughout the United States have plenty of money and plenty of time: their only occupation is to spend one and kill the other.

#DorothyParker #Parker

Resume

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

#DorothyParker #Parker

Of Margot Asquith's four-volume autobiography:
"The affair between Margo Asquith and Margo Asquith will live as one of the prettiest love stories in all literature."

#DorothyParker #Parker

On returning by boat from Spain:
"The crossing was so rough the only thing I could keep on my stomach was the First Mate."

#DorothyParker #Parker

Words of Comfort to be Scratched on a Mirror

Helen of Troy had a wandering glance;
Sappho's restriction was only the sky;
Ninon was ever the chatter of France;
But oh, what a good girl am I!

#DorothyParker #Parker

Two Volume Novel

The sun's gone dim, and
The moon's turned black;
For I loved him, and
He didn't love back.

#DorothyParker #Parker

General Review of the Sex Situation

Woman wants monogamy;
Man delights in novelty.
Love is woman's moon and sun;
Man has other forms of fun.
Woman lives but in her lord;
Count to ten, and man is bored.
With this the gist and sum of it,
What earthly good can come of it?

#DorothyParker #Parker

Lips that taste of tears are the best for kissing.

#DorothyParker #Parker

Social Note

Lady, lady, should you meet
One whose ways are all discreet,
One who murmurs that his wife
Is the lodestar of his life,
One who keeps assuring you
That he never was untrue,
Never loved another one...
Lady, lady, better run.

#DorothyParker #Parker

On hearing the door bell or telephone ringing:
"What fresh hell is this?"

#DorothyParker #Parker